Needs, Values and Relationship Dynamics by Victory Tali

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Let me start by committing illegibility suicide.

I'm not a relationship expert. In fact, this is one of the many areas of my life I can't seem to figure out yet (one of the many or one of all, to be accurate...). By the looks of things, I'm not even sure I'm close to it, and honestly, I don't even know if I ever will.

However, over the ups and downs on this road, I believe I have noted a few things that give me

that 'Aha!' moment, Oprah likes talking about. This is one of them thanks to my current spiritual teacher Teal Swan.

Relationships have been a source of pleasure and pain for so long because they call us to try and find common energetic attractions with everything. We see the world by how we relate to it and vice versa is also true. What seems to have been cleverly hidden from us is that our innermost needs = what we value = how we relate.

Inner Most Needs

When people relate, may it be an adult/child or peer relation, they often (90% of the time) meet each other from their points of need. Our needs seem different in various life stages, but how different are they, really?

As children, our innermost needs are affection first then basic needs such as food, clothes, and shelter. Affection first because we now see how dysfunctional humans become when their first relations are f*ed up no matter how wealthy of a family they grew up in.

When we grow up, one would think we could now be strong enough to live without 'that much affection' until a breakup literally feels like death that potentially affects our livelihood.

However, our need for affection shows up differently again based on what was given and what was missed during our earliest relationship (and sometimes your personality). This is what we call love languages and attachment styles.

For one, affection means time spent together and for another it means gifts. This means, my need to feel affection is met when one spends quality time with me or when one occasionally or frequently sends gifts.

Then the basic needs, I won't touch much on those since we have a clearer picture of how those are met.

Values

We value things and people based on how they meet our needs. As brutal and superficial as this sounds it's a universal truth for this dimension, we currently live in. Sometimes we don't even stop to value anything until a need seems to be extremely loud. Let's look at the parent-child dynamic.

 Why do people give birth? (Need)

1. By accident...

2. As a next step in their relationship

3. To play a productive role in the society

 How do parents value children? (Value)

1. I wasn't prepared for you

2. You make my family complete

3. You are supposed to make me feel good.

 So how do parents relate to children?

1. You are the cause of my life's confusion (at the lowest vibration) or you are a gift I didn't know I needed (at a more positive vibration)

2. You fixed my marriage before it started crumbling (at a lower vibration) or you are an addition to the love I have with my partner (at a more positive vibration)

3. People now know I am fertile; you better do as I say so you don't put me to shame (both lower vibrations) and we have a different generation which can open us to different possibilities (a more positive vibration).

 The same 3 step dynamic is played in peer partnerships, whether friendships or romantic partnerships. Again, that's why there are love languages and attachment styles.

The need = The value = The relationship

I need to earn a living = Salaries & career development = Employer-employee/Career mentor-mentee

I need to feel affection = I'll value you as best as you speak my love language/are our attachment styles compatible=Romantic relationships

 The Other 10% 

So if 90% of the time we relate from our points of needs does it mean we are doing relationships wrong. Not at all... It's a survival mechanism for the human species at this point in time. It's nature and it's okay. 

However, there's something higher that we still long to encounter in our journey of remembrance of what we really are. The 10% is an almost rare occurrence but it causes our hearts to sometimes spark and sometimes just smile brightly in appreciation. It's a gift of the silent reminder that we are more than the dynamics that play on this plane.

This is where we relate to unconditional love. Here no needs are being met. There is simply a pure genuine appreciation of existence. It's that whisper that feels divine yet so 'different'.

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Wrapping Up

When people are hungry you first give them bread then you can preach the gospel or teach them whatever you wish. This means that more than often our human physical needs need to be met before we try to grow more spiritual or evolve.

Hard as it was for me to accept, there is a place for both conditional and unconditional relationships. None is 'evil'. We are just being human.

To end the loud-silent suffering in relationships, one has to take an honest look at how the dynamics appear in one's life and make conscious choices. No more blame and pointing fingers. Only truth which = peace. If how one gives affection is different from how you receive it, do you want to take the time to educate or do you want to look for someone who is already educated? No answer is wrong; it's simply your current truth.

Maybe relationships are not so different from business transactions and partnerships. At least the justice system somehow tries to prove so, although in a dysfunctional way.

And my big takeaway would be this- at the end of the day... true divine love is bigger than relationships, but we need relationships in their complex states to be practically human.