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| Courtesy: MN Spokesman Recorder |
Recently, I have found myself engaging in conversations on children and grief. One thing that stands out is the fact that many people assume children are not able to process complex emotions. As a result, children are shielded or sidelined when it comes to grief.
You need to appreciate that, children are emotional beings. I actually think they are masters of emotional manipulation which is evident through their wide range of emotions such as tantrums, unexplained crying, hilarious laughter, and spontaneous frown which they can do even before they develop speech.
Children learn a lot through observation and imitation of their environment. In fact, one of the areas that they pick up on most is language and character formation. When it comes to grief, what they observe is likely to leave them with more questions than answers and they will develop their own coping mechanism.
What I have observed and even heard from several families is that they do not engage children in the grieving process. Some children are put in isolation immediately after a loved one dies till the burial is over. This is actually unfair to the children because they need closure and this only leaves them with more questions. At times they will wait for their loved ones to come back or get angry when the time comes for them to make adjustments or the loved one fails to show up. At times they will even act out in resistance.
How can you tell a child is grieving?
Grief in children manifests differently based on their age group. In most cases, the body and character will speak more than their words or emotions. You will notice a change in their behavior and routine. They are often likely to act out, become less interested in their daily routine, have sleeping difficulty, often look tired, change in academic performance, withdraw from others, have consistent headaches or stomachaches, and at times rashes. These are a few signs and the list could be longer.
For you to identify that the child is grieving you will need to be very observant and familiar with their normal behavior. Just as grown-ups hide their grief so will children especially if they lack room to express themselves.
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| Courtesy: Michigan State University |
What can you do?
When you lose a loved one in the family, please do not hide it from the children. Explain to them in simple language what death is, what grief is, and how it could make them feel.
Make sure that they understand that it is not their fault and it is part of life so that it does not seem unusual.
For those who might have lost a caregiver, prepare them psychologically for the changes they are likely to encounter at home. Do not just bring a new father or mother expecting them to understand. Also, share with them how you are feeling and grief is affecting you to help them relate.
How to help them cope
Children will also need coping mechanisms for them to fully process grief and find closure. Some of the things you can do include; taking them for counseling, especially to someone who specializes in child therapy, helping them do a memoir or scrapbook with images and stories of the loved one, helping them do a song or poem in honor and they can also write a letter to express themselves.
Take the initiative to help children's grief rather than shield them which might scar them for life. The only way through grief is to grieve.
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