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| Courtesy: news.un.org |
Before anything else, we need to begin with a moment of silence for the souls who have gone too soon in the name of love.
The crimes of passion have become so rampant and the corridors of social media justice seem to be justifying the trend.
Looking at the tragic death of Ivy Wangechi, a Moi University sixth-year medicine student who was killed in broad daylight, I am left wondering; what value do we attach to life? Are rejection and disappointment such a strong incentive to take a life?
The Scenario
When it comes to love there are many accompanying emotions such as lust, infatuation, fling, crush, Friends with benefits and the list can go on. Before one can filter out love you must fully deal with all the camouflage it presents. These forms of camouflage present themselves based on our first intention when starting a relationship. When we look at the various cases making headline money and sex seems to be the underlying motive.
Check out: Is it Love or Just a Camouflage?
We are in a generation where relationships are being looked at as a trade and women a commodity. Relationships are started by two consenting adults often but not always with their own terms of engagement. However, there is a new form of entitlement that is attached to gifting and financial support. There is an expectation that when a man gives you anything of monetary value then you automatically become their puppet. One can choose to accept a gift or not without being coerced into anything. If you choose to look at it as an investment, then you need to also evaluate what your partner is bringing to the table as well.
There is also a popular line of thought that, women should avoid taking anything monetary from men and work for their own money. I find the statement very pretentious. Show me a relationship where there is no form of money or its equivalent exchanging hands? Women are to be wooed and relationships are natural. At some point you might have lunch, someone will pay for a cab, and one will need a boost you name it. Every relationship has different “needs and services”. The point is everyone gives and gets something; when this becomes the focus, it becomes a simple trade.
Also, Look at Every Woman Deserves a 'Sponsor'
Relationships are very dynamic and the honeymoon period never lasts. Someone may be attracted to you now and things may change later. Rejection and breakup will keep happening as long as we are humans.
The Battle Field
If the ongoing cases of femicide are anything to go by, we are having an increased number of men unable to deal with rejection. One of the contributing factors has been linked to parenting. To begin with, children who are exposed to violence are more likely to be perpetrators later in life. There is a high chance that most men are dealing with trauma from childhood. We develop attachment styles and ‘language of love’ mostly from our parents and if you grew up in a violent home then that’s what you are likely to give.
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| Courtesy: tinybuddah.com |
Another aspect of parenting is the fact that African men are taught to toughen up, show no emotions and fight for what they want. This is practically a hunter’s/soldier’s mindset and one only rests when the prey has been captured. The problem is, when using this mentality relationships become a conquest and there is no room for failure.
Men also lack role models as we have increased numbers of absentee fathers who have either taken into alcoholism or are burying themselves in work or are simply ‘sperm donors’ with no clue of their offspring's whereabouts. Men have been left with their mothers, house girls, television, and the internet which doesn’t suffice the whole generation.
The other problem is we have a generation with nothing to lose. Kenya has been ranked among the top 10 most depressed countries in Africa. Despite, depression being caused by numerous factors it affects all aspects of life. When someone only has that relationship as the only thing they value in life, losing it is equivalent to losing everything.
Check out: Parental Absence and Effects on Children
For the narrative to change, it will literally take a nation. We need to support men who have despaired or have baggage from childhood. There is a need for mentorship on issues of relationships and marriage. Young people need to stop seeing relationships as a trade. The greatest of all is redefining parenting; children need both parents and not just finances. If the father is not there, then a consistent male figure is required. We have a chance to salvage the next generation from femicide!
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