I Will Not Report

I will Not Report by Sarah Masive

Photo | Courtesy

I know that a crime has been committed against me,

I know that our legal system has laws that should protect me,

I know that there are lawyers that would gladly represent me for free,

I know, but I will not report this.

Every other day we hear of such cases in court,

How the survivors get victimized again by supposed protectors,

How the focus shifts from the crime to the character of the victim,

As if it is suddenly okay to take someone's money because they didn't put it in their wallet,

No, I will not report this.

Have you ever tried to wash away a stubborn stain from a stiff carpet,

You could almost use a stone to force it out,

That is the same vehemence with which I bathed,

I wanted to wash away every thing, every scent, every piece of DNA that could associate me with him,

And yet I know that I'd need evidence so, why bother?

I will not report this.

You know how learned everyone is today?

Every second person you meet is a lawyer or a judge,

Armed with all the right questions, "Was she drinking?" "How was she dressed?" "Did she know him?" "Why was she at his house?"

As if the answers to these questions are a justification of what he did.

So you know what,

I will not report this.

I can't begin to explain the emotions I felt,

Worthlessness, shame, denial, guilt, pain, hurt, betrayal, more pain and hate,

But y'all expect that I should be able to wait up to three to five work years for my sanity to be restored and my wounds to be bandaged?

No, I will not report.

What I really want is to blot out this experience from my memory,

I want to go back to that day and stay home doing the laundry,

I want to go back to when we met and unmet him,

I need the recipe for selective amnesia, anyone?

I will not report this.

I still have to see the shadow in my eyes when I look in the mirror,

I still feel a wave of fear when I think of bumping into him somewhere,

I heard time heals all wounds,

Only in my case it's like I got diagnosed with cancer and went home to give it time to heal,

I will not report this.

If I could go back to standard one, where I loved my teacher who was fair and just,

I would report,

Just like I did when I lost my new pencil,

We put learning on hold to conduct a search,

And my pencil was found and given back,

But even if I were to report today, my lost dignity would not be restored,

At least not with the way things work on this side of the Sahara,

That is why.

That is why, I will not report.

Dedicated to all women out there who went through rape or other forms of assault but 'dealt' with it on your own. No one ever needs to go through such pain.

#ImportantConversations #IWillNotReport

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