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From the discussions, we have had about Identity and well-being it is very clear that most of us do not really know who we are, what we really want, and why we are in the relationships we are in be it with friends, spouses, and even in the families that we belong to. Very few people take the time to do personality tests but keep questioning themselves on a lot of issues that affect them.
Who you are is your Self Identity, the way you look at yourself, and your
relationship with the world. Understanding this, allows you to examine
who you are and more importantly create who you want to be. The Self Identity is not restricted to the present. It includes past
selves and future selves.
Future selves or “possible selves” represent
individuals’ ideas of what they might become, what they would like to
become, and what they are afraid of becoming. They correspond to hopes,
fears, standards, goals, and threats. Possible selves may function as
incentives for future behavior and they also provide an evaluative and
interpretive context for the current view of self.
Self-Esteem refers to a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own
worth at any one point in time. Generally speaking, it is an emotional
measure of how well we are living up to our worldview. Self Esteem is
perhaps the single most important emotional gauge of our ability to feel
almost all other positive emotions and beliefs about ourselves. It affects our measure of happiness, success, well-being,
confidence, and assurance.
While Self Esteem is a general state of mind, it is affected by changes in any one of the various feelings that make it up. For example, a drop in confidence will lower Self Esteem in the short term. Prolonged Negative experiences will produce a longer-term reduction of Self Esteem, yet at the same time, a positive emotional experience will increase the sensation. In simple terms, when you experience an event or situation that supports your world view your Esteem increases and vice versa
When your self-esteem has
gaps or vague preferences (rules) in it, you lack control in your
decision-making. You are in a position where people or situations can
reach in and press your buttons. This is a situation or event that will
create stress, where your lack of a clear preference can cause you to
feel confused. Without a boundary filter for your Identity, you are in a
position where you will drain your sense of Self Esteem.
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And when you do not have a clear sense of your preferences, or a lack
of self-esteem to act on them, people can manipulate you, or
they can annoy you, or you're able to get annoyed with yourself,
but most importantly because you are unable to present a clear concept
of who you are to those around you, people will not be able to understand
where you stand on something which makes it difficult for them to
develop respect or trust for you.
The major ability to create your life is to develop Mindful
Awareness. Mindful awareness is your observing self, that part of you
that runs the commentary of your life as it plays out. It is the
conscious voice in your head, that most people completely ignore. We
have some 60,000 thoughts a day! That is an average of 3 a second, yet
at the end of the day, most people will find it difficult to remember 10
thoughts they were aware of during the day. We usually run on autopilot, and it is becoming aware of the mental processes that allow us to
create and change who we are.
Through mindful awareness, you will establish consciously your worldview, which will make you a stronger person. You will develop your
decision-making abilities which allows you greater freedom. You will
use your intellect which develops wisdom and you will use your emotional
energy more effectively which increases your self-esteem and happiness.
The rules you have about what it
means to have a good and productive life by asking yourself the question
“How do I know”. For example, your perception of attractiveness
can be found by asking yourself “how do I know I am beautiful”. The
answers provide you with your rules.
Here you have the decision to make. Is your rule an
empowering and realistic rule? If for example, you base your rule of
attractiveness on looking like a model (as society tends to tell us)
then it is an unrealistic rule, one you will never attain and therefore
constantly drain your self-esteem because you will never measure up. If
your rule on attractiveness is based along the lines of “being well
groomed”, you can obtain that quality and feel good about who you are.
In my opinion, Your sense of who you are is your Self Identity, it is your assessment
of your personality and attributes. Your Identity is who and what you
present to the world through the behavior you have according to the rules you have about leading
a good and productive life. And how well you measure up to that worldview is reflected in your sense of self-esteem. Each component works
together, to define your character.
Think of your life as a movie, you are the main character and throughout
the movie, you are put into situations and experiences that develop and
grow your character. Why not make your life the best movie you can
make? Why not become aware of the gaps in your worldview, and fix
them? Making your character stronger, your sense of who you are to
yourself and the world.
When you have a solid, clear, and concise awareness of yourself, you can consciously make solid and clear preferences of what you say yes
and no to. It becomes
easier to act and behave in a way that is in line with how you want to
be (Integrity). With integrity, you are controlling how you act and feel
about your actions.
As you become more aware of your self-identity, more aware of your values and your rules, and your ability to say (and hear) the word “No” you
are gaining wisdom. You are building your character, which creates
control over what and when you do things and what is acceptable to you.
This comes from life experience, it is how our lives provide an
opportunity for us to define who we are, and then live by that
definition.
Creating preferences and rules with openings in them (much like a
door) with the door handle on the inside under your control gives you
flexibility. There will be times when circumstances and situations will
require flexibility and choice on your part, and times when you can
bend your rules, without it affecting your Self Identity or Self Esteem.
For example, You may hate football with a passion and don't think it's a good sport for girls. But your Niece loves it and she is in a team that is playing this weekend and you
really would like to go to support her despite your dislike of her sport of choice. By having a door to your
preference you can have the flexibility to attend without it affecting your sense of Self Identity.
Always ensure the handles are on the inside and that the choice is
always yours. You do not want handles on the outside where others can
open you up and manipulate your choices and decisions.
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